“It’s been a long time since the last time…” – do we still have enough sex? Such thoughts often run through the minds of couples in long-term relationships. Although it’s normal for sex to become less frequent over the years and for people to sometimes not feel like having sex, such a lull in sex is often unsettling and gives rise to worry lines. Why this doesn’t have to be the case and what you can do to combat the loss of libido, you can read here.
No desire for sex: How often is “normal”?
Are we having enough sex? This question worries almost every couple at some point in their relationship. Whether it’s because there’s stress at work or in the family, you’re moving house, you’ve had a child together, or you just don’t feel any interest in physical closeness at the moment. Fluctuations in desire are completely normal depending on the phase of life. Different stages of life also change the physical needs and so there are libido highs and lows, hurricanes and mild breezes. But when does a small sex lull cross a point where it becomes critical for the relationship?
Let’s start with the bare figures: 34% of Germans have sex several times a month, 30% several times a week. Every 4th German has sex once a month or less often. Only 3% do it every day. That’s according to the AMORELIE Sexreport “So lieben wir” 2017. So regardless of gender and relationship status, the majority of Germans have sex several times a month on average. So is that the “right amount”?
No. There is no general guideline for the ideal frequency of sex in a partnership. Nor is there a fixed point in time (1-month mark, 1-year mark?) at which lust fatigue becomes a concern for the relationship – every couple is different. The (lack of) sex only poses a threat to the relationship when thoughts, fears, or even arguments only revolve around it.
How much sex does (m)a relationship need?
Quite simply: exactly as much as both want. How often does one want, how often the other and what is feasible in terms of time? You meet somewhere in the middle and thus have the answer.
According to studies and observations of psychologists, it is the normal course of events that sex becomes less frequent in a long relationship. This is neither a bad omen nor a sign that love is waning. The opposite is often the case: love has grown, infatuation and desire have turned into trust and a reliable partnership in which worries, fears and everyday life are also shared. This, in turn, shifts priorities and the red-hot passion eventually sinks to a tolerable room temperature.
There are couples who can hardly keep their hands off each other even after 20 years of marriage, for others sex is not elementary in a relationship and they prefer to sleep next to each other instead of with each other. If both partners love, respect and understand each other well and are happy and satisfied with little(er) or even no sex, there is no problem. It only becomes critical when no compromise can be found on the frequency of bedroom action and one partner is put under pressure by the permanent pleasure differential.
No desire for sex – cause for concern?
Not wanting to have sex is not a rare phenomenon and certainly not a cause for concern right away. It can have various causes – physical, mental, external circumstances or disagreements in the partnership. It is important to find out whether you generally don’t feel like having sex or whether it is due to the desire in the partnership. The former can have hormonal, medicinal or psychological causes that have nothing to do with the relationship. A doctor can help here – talk about the topic openly and honestly.
A difficult phase in life or major changes in your private, professional or family life can also cause a loss of libido. All the energy is then needed for this and there is hardly anything left for amorous adventures in the bedroom. This is a temporary phase or sex lull that often settles down again on its own and should not be overestimated right away. Most often, however, the desire for sex dwindles in everyday life due to routine and the lack of new sexual stimuli. This can be actively counteracted – we explain how.
Tips against libido loss
The most important thing in advance: Have fun! As long as one partner or even both see sex as an obligation in the relationship (“It’s been so long since the last time…”, “We should do it again…”), nothing will happen except frustration. But sex should be fun! To make it fun, it’s important to bring lightness back into your love life – without pressure, expectations or feelings of obligation.
Tip 1 – Love yourself
To awaken the sexual desire that has fallen asleep, you also have to feel like a sexual being. Start with yourself and your body – body positivity is the keyword. It’s important to love yourself (again), to feel sexy and comfortable in your own skin – literally: skin is our largest organ and wants to be taken care of. Pamper yourself with bubble baths, scrubs, sauna visits, masks, moisturizing creams and massages. A new hairstyle (or intimate shave), a beguiling perfume or new beautiful lingerie can also push your self-confidence.
Masturbation can help you regain a feeling for your own body and your own pleasure. Masturbation is not just a substitute satisfaction, but beneficial, healthy and an enrichment for your entire love life – no matter whether you think of your sweetheart, Ryan Gosling or your neighbor.
Tip 2 – More distance or more closeness?
No desire for sex because you lack closeness and connection to your partner or you feel left alone by him/her? Loss of libido is often related to a gradual alienation in a relationship. Demand more togetherness, seek (physical) closeness and spend more time with him/her – this way desire can blossom anew. Other couples simply need some distance from each other (even if only for a day or two) to be able to miss each other again. This stimulates the libido immensely. Being together all the time and merging into a functioning unit can be a lust killer. Especially if the loved one is only seen in his or her role as father or mother, for example, instead of as a love partner.
Tip 3 – Create new stimuli
Talk with your partner about beautiful experiences in the past or make (vacation) plans for the future. Do something new together, get active in sports or in an art class, learn a foreign language together or go out with friends again. This brings a breath of fresh air, new topics of conversation and makes your partner interesting and exciting again – don’t forget: the brain is our largest organ of pleasure.
Tip 4 – A voyage of discovery
Sex is not just sexual intercourse! Sex is closeness, cuddling, kissing, caressing and discovery. Often in long-term relationships, foreplay and intimate kisses come far too short. Unfortunately, sex then often consists only of the usual in-out-finished. Realize that your body and that of your partner have countless erogenous zones – and not just the penis and vagina. Experiment together with sex toys or let yourself be inspired by erotic audio stories or novels. The goal is not the orgasm, the goal is the fun on the value there!